The varnish on my desk forever will be stained with my tears

Whether visible or not I know it’s there

I didn’t know it yet

But at 14 years old

That day would start the rest of my life

Separate

Two of everything

I don’t mind having two christmases 

I love the warmth

Of a big family

Of wanted by those

Who only know me from 14 on

But if one day

I am so lucky to have children of my own

I know they won't mind

Just one christmas

My best friends coffee table will forever be stained with my tears

Whether visible or not I know they’re there

Forever they will reside

With your name written all over them

Tears shed by a 15 year old girl

Never before having to cope with grief

Or loss

The bench I decorate

With yellow flowers

Every thursday

Will forever be yours

Your life was precious to everyone

But yourself

Taken so quickly by hands of your own

What could take your place?

You are no longer here with me

But you walk with me every step of the day

You will not graduate

But you will walk the stage with me

You will not be wed

But you will walk the aisle with me

You will not have a senior year

But you will walk these halls with me

As I torture myself with studying

Because that’s what you would’ve done

I do not wish to carry on

And neither did you

But I have lived through tears

Shed for you

By my own eyes

And by others

I do not wish those tears be shed for me

There is so much to admire, to weep over

So now you walk with me

And I hold you in my pocket

In my purse

In my car

And In my mind

You will not go to college

But you will walk the red brick

Of the campus I chose

With you in my mind

Imagining you walking with me

My pillows will forever be stained with my tears

Whether visible or not I know they’re there

That 14 year old girls tears

Began happy

Happy about no more obligation to go to school

But they grew into sad

Angry 

Regretful tears

I am still 14

Inside my mind

I still have 4 years before I need to worry

About college

About money

About my future

Now I am 18

Those years were swept under my feet

Memories waiting to be made

Will forever stand by

That happiness I once felt

Turned to boredom

Repetition

Complacence

Depression

Now I am 18

Worrying

About college

About money

About my future

I am not grown

Inside my head

I am not a senior

I am starting the 9th grade

I am a child

In the body of an 18 year old girl

Dealing with problems

No 14 year old should be expected to deal with

On her own

But I am 18

I will enjoy my big family

I will enjoy both christmases

I will walk the halls of my school

I will walk the stage as I graduate high school

And I will walk the red brick of my campus

And meanwhile, 

the world goes on

But as I walk

I will be 14

That little girl is forever with me

I am her, She is me