I’m tired 

Of being tired all the time. 

And I wish

I could just close my eyes 

And disappear 

Until I’m okay again, if ever, 

And I wish everything would just stop, 

Just for a second, 

So I can catch my breath, 

So I can just be

Without feeling everyone’s eyes on me,

Waiting for me to mess up.

To give up, like I want to,

Like I’ve done plenty of times in my mind. 

I wake up every morning and I try my best, 

But my best is never enough. 

I tell myself not to stress,

That my best is enough for me, 

And it should be enough for them. 

But I give and I give 

Until a piece of me dies every time

Until I’m lying awake in bed,

Like tonight, 

Feeling like a vase that was put back together poorly.

I’m trying to make my mind go silent.

I try not to think of any ‘what-ifs’.

I try not to regret things I’ve done.

I try not to feel embarrassed when I react.

But all the trying is loud, 

But not as loud as the worry I feel. 

I try not to worry. 

I worry.

I worry about disappointment, mostly.

The look on my parents and my sisters faces 

If all goes to hell. 

What if I don’t walk the stage this year like I planned? 

What if I don’t find a job in the next two months? 

What if I never step into my role of ‘oldest sister’?

I’ll tell myself that this is normal. 

That everyone feels like this at some point. 

That I’m overthinking it  

And that I'll be filled with embarrassment if I react. 

So I keep it to myself.

In the morning, I'll wake up.

I’ll forget I wrote this 

And go on about my day. 

I’ll shrug my shoulders 

When my mom asks about school, 

Like I wasn’t toeing the line between 

Crying and yanking my hair out last night. 

I’ll laugh at my dads remark,

‘If you actually pass’, he says, too often,

Like it isn’t the bane of my existence. 

I’ll smile when my sister tells me 

About her friends from school, 

Like I’m not grasping onto 

The one constant star in my life by a thread. 

Then I’ll lay in bed again, like I’m doing now, 

I won’t cry like I want to,

But I'll worry quietly, until I'm too tired for it.

Until my eyes are half-lidded and heavy.

Then sleep will overcome me and 

Render me weightless.

Rid me of any further dwelling, 

Until I can breathe again.