TW // bulimia

My stomach growls and churns in my chest

My head spins as nausea overloads my body

But relief floods my brain knowing I’m empty

I close my eyes clenching my stomach and smile

My skin was hypersensitive, my eyes ringing, and my eyes dilated

My breathing is quick but soft

The hunger changes my senses, destroys my thinking

As I close my eyes colors swirl around my mind as vomit rises in my throat

I look in the mirror and see a filthy beast staring back

“Look at you, oily, fat, no wonder no one wants you.”

It repeats several times, as tears flow into my eyes

I can’t even bear to look down and face my body

I feel the stares of family members as I avoid the food

The fat boy who usually always eats not eating?

"I must be sick," they say, I hear their whispers fill the room

My heart races as I stand still, feeling like the worlds spinning around me

I sit alone in my kitchen, starring at a plate with microwaved food on it

I cry, I sob violently as I can’t even bring myself to bite it

I always lose this battle and throw the food away

Fearing that if I’m not starving then I won’t feel “better”

I feel the overwhelming hunger creep onto my shoulders

I seriously think about eating, about shoving food item after food item down my throat

But I stop and think to myself

“If I eat, will he love me?”

So convinced that the only way I’d ever find love is to be skinny

Convinced by my reflection that this body is so grotesque that no one would love it

I close my eyes, sobbing in my bed

Only to drift to sleep in a dream where I had a slim waist

Waking up and walking to the kitchen in my sadness

I end up losing my battle of will and eating

I feel better, momentarily

Only for the cycle to repeat itself in the next few days