Jacqueline

it feels like a stranger

given this name from a grandmother who i’ve never known.

i don’t know the importance of my own name.

i don’t know what i mean.

i have to make meaning to my own name because i don’t know the woman who was Jacqueline before me.

i don’t know any stories, tall tales, or any facts about that woman.

i have to tell my own story,

but i don’t know what i mean.

my name looks like someone i’ve never met

someone who simply doesn’t exist.

it’s hard to respond when someone says “Jacqueline”

it sounds like a broken record

on and on not wanting to go to other names or words

only Jacqueline.

they don't even know how to pronounce it correctly.

they always say jack-a-lin

never Jacqueline

no one ever fixes it too

i tried to help them change their way of pronouncing my name but they never put forth the effort i just end up giving up.

i’ve never seen Jacqueline in a positive way

i always introduce myself as Jackie

my grandma on my mom’s side calls me “Jacquelinda”

“Jacqueline, how cute”

i love it because i love her

no one else calls me that

they either say Jackie or Jack

there’s no meaning behind those though

only because it's shorter.

but i still don't know what it means.

i still don’t know what i mean.

i feel like someday i’ll figure it out,

figure out what my name means and why i was the one my mother chose to have it,

but until then

i don’t know what i mean.