To start off, I have been a therapist since the age of 5.

Starting to have normal conversations with my ma as she's going through her first divorce. Always being a shoulder to cry on.

It's like having my hands callused and numb from rubbing every body’s back and constantly saying the same phrases over

And over

Again

“Everything’s going to be okay”

“I got you every step of the way”

“I’m so sorry you’re going through this”

Until they make my mouth dry and I keep asking and asking for water asking for help but no one provides.

And listen.

I feel terrible

Everyone’s experience is different

but the more I look out for people, the less they look out for me.

Always expecting that I’m there

And I am.

I’m not just a shoulder to cry on

I’m the whole arm

I have to be

The whole

Arm

I have to be there for people to avoid my own problems

To avoid my own fears or thoughts that will send me into a rabbit hole of my own feelings

I’m a sensitive person

I have my own thoughts

And my own feelings

But not a lot of people realize that

They just want me to be there for them

They NEED me to be there for them

...

I’m not a victim.

I’m a survivor.

Blinded by the darkness created by my own thoughts and emotions.

Not being able to handle my past, present or future.

Not able to let things go fully until I explode like the biggest volcano next to the smallest village.

Burning everything and everyone around me

Until I have no one left.

Self sabotaging everything good that’s ever come my way Until every relationship I’ve created fades

All

Away.

No one helps

So I have to help myself.