I  feel the burning sensation from my boxers against my flesh. Slowly causing more and more pain down my thigh while thick warm drops fall off my body. Finally I'm able to breathe once again. In through my nose, while I slide my hand across my mouth covering the screams and cries. It's the only thing that helps anymore. Physical pain is a lot more bearable than mental pain. Mentally is more of an uncomfortable sensation all over your body with no explanation. Compared to others I would like to consider myself strong in many ways. I’ve faced many challenges in my past. I still hear the screaming in my sleep, the same screams that used to keep me up at night are now my white noise. Playing in the background, 5 minutes later I’m sound asleep. It's funny how it works isn't it? If you asked me last year I wouldn’t think I would have lived this long. I am still surprised I’ve made it this far. In and out of mental hospitals really messes a person up. “You are too broken and messed up to fix or help.” “There's no hope for you.”. 

I don’t trust professionals, “we can’t diagnose you, but you have generalized anxiety, major depressive disorder, insomnia, and Adhd.”  One name after another hitting at me. Over 50 million Americans in today's society have mental health issues. But still can't diagnose my borderline personality disorder? “Your hormones are too crazy.” “You are just a teenager.” “Wait until you're over 21.” What is the point of getting help when they won’t even tell you what you need help with? I know what I am feeling but how do I put it into words? It just falls out of my mouth as “I don’t want to be here”. What else am I supposed to say? Help me? Do I need to go to a mental asylum? If you talk to a therapist and you mention you think you have a disorder they make you list out every single symptom you have ever experienced. Feeling empty, anxious, paranoid, crazy, watching yourself, etc. “Explain in more detail for me.” How am I supposed to explain something I don’t even know? You are the professional, you should know what I'm feeling. That’s your job right? Tell me what to feel, what to do, how to feel when to feel?

When I dig through the layers of my imperfect body I feel relief. However, that’s not healthy coping skills. Why don’t we try 4 square breathing, 54321, doing this or that. Not all coping skills work on people or at different levels of emotion. How am I supposed to help myself if you are taking what makes me feel better?