Here I am –

This guy standing here.

But I was not always this guy. 

Once I was a boy,

A very young, very normal boy.

I know that was me since it’s all in my memory.

Without that, 

I am not even sure if it might be someone else.

Everything looks so good in the past, in that time, in my memory.

But “jump out of your revised memories!” 

I tell myself.

、

I realize I was not always happy.

I had been a bad-tempered child since a very young age.

I was always crying.

Crying for my broken toys, crying for my betrayed relationships, crying, most of the time, for myself.

Everything about myself.

Feelings accumulated day by day.

And there was that one day I had lost all the happiness.

I thought that was it and it’s gonna last forever.

My soul died.

I became a ghost haunted in my own world.

I hated everything and I wanted revenge.
But I was so weak and so pathetic,

Nothing more than a poor kid who’s too far from his utopia and too deeply trapped in his mind jail.

I was tortured by the imaginary pain.

I knew only I could help myself but

I found no courage inside me to make the first step out.

I had so many chances to make a change in my life,

It seemed that it might be easier to stay with the pain which had  become too familiar to me,

Since each failure left a scar on my heart and eventually one more time it would crush my mind down.

I made myself a believer of the pain of life.

So lonely. 

I forced myself to stay away from “incorrect feelings” in order to not get hurt,

losing all meaning in my life as the result.

Deep down inside,

The voice told me:

“Stop proving you’re special, if you are special, then just be yourself.” 

So I went back to feelings, went back into myself.

Little by little,

My eyes widened.

I see the gray mist is gone.

I see the colorful bright world.

That’s how I was reborn.

I have taken back my curiosity,

Which was once lost in my fury and tears.

Everything seems to be so lovely and attractive, 

So I go on with the journey of exploring everything I see in this wonderful world.

I pick up my pencil and paper,

And I write it down:

I am ready to be an adventurer.

* From the song Call of Silence, by Hiroyuki Sawano.