Most of my life has been a blur

Days had come and gone

Disappearing like I had never lived then

I couldn’t figure out how to care

For years everything had been the same shade of gray 

I had been leading a simple lackluster existence

I was desperate for change

But I didn’t have a clue on how to get there

Feelings I couldn’t escape so often consumed me

Between the numbness and sadness

Embarrassment and pain 

I was left paralyzed without a want or way to move forward

I’ve never felt anything halfway

Two years ago my world had finally collapsed into itself 

I couldn’t tell you which straw broke the camel’s back

All I know is I had never felt so trapped

After four years of constant fighting

I just wanted to be free

April 28th, 2022

A dirty bathroom stall

An old pencil sharpener

And a very desperate girl

I don’t like to talk about what had almost been

But I know I can’t keep running from the past

I don’t want to hide from what made this current version of me

I can’t explain what happened

I tried to forget it

For the most part I have

What I do remember is I was struck with a sudden overwhelming fear

I hadn’t realized how bad things had gotten until that moment

I thought I could keep ignoring everything that plagued me

I could push it down

And eventually I’d find a way forward

I never did

But thankfully instead of giving up

I had scared myself into finally getting help

Thinking about that day still makes me sick

At least I’m here to think about it at all

I feel like I’m a whole new person

I’ve never been so grateful to be alive

There’s so much to love

I was blind to all of it for so long

I often look back at all the great things I could’ve missed

Life can be scary

Far from fair

Messy

And painful

Still we live anyway

I live anyway

I think everything is worth a try

If I were to hide away in fear of being hurt

I would never know all the people I love today

I genuinely love being alive

I say it confidently and happily

I used to think that was something I’d never say

I don’t want pretend my life is perfect

Because that couldn’t be further from the truth

But I do think it’s pretty great