I lay in bed

Teetering on the edge of feeling too much and nothing at all

My head is pounding

I can't hear my own thoughts

I stare at the ceiling

The ceiling stares back

I clasp my hands

I say to God, "I believe, I believe. Just please don't make me feel like this anymore."

I shake my hands

I say "Amen" like the good Christian I was never taught to be

God doesn't answer me

My voice is the thing that echoes back 

Over and over

Begging for mercy 

Begging for forgiveness

God has heard me but yet has not answered my prayer

I remember why I didn't believe in God in the first place

I take my head in my hands

I rock and shake

I realize that God cannot save me

Only I can save myself

I wish I could be 6 years old again

Nothing bad has happened to me

Maybe nothing bad ever will