I run to the bathroom
Slamming the door and locking it shut

Tears rolling freely,

They betray me.

I promised I wouldn’t

Not again

As I take the sharp metal from a pocket

Tears grow in numbers

I hate the metal

No matter what it never makes

Anything better

It likes to betray me too

And steals my life away

But I promise

This will be the last time

I slide the metal across my arm

Slightly wincing

But the familiar warmth sends the pain away

I don’t bother to look at it

I move to my other arm

Making this one deeper, longer

This one I do look at

The blood is thick, and I turn the faucet on

Wanting warm water

I move the deeper arm under

And the blood thins, quickens

I smile and realize what I have done

A few tears slip down my face again

But they do not betray me

I want them

I am almost happy

I fall to the ground and lean on the wall

I won’t have to deal with any of it anymore

No more sad tears,

Or incessant whimpering

No more being alone

I close me eyes,

But I remember

Mom.

I get one of the magazines

And find a near blank page

I find a pen in the cupboard

And begin to write


Mom, I love you

It’s not your fault, I swear

I tried not to

But I felt like I had no other choice

Please don’t miss me

Don’t cry for me

It will make me sad

And where I’m going,

I’m not supposed to be sad there

Tell Dylan I love him

Tell Mr. Scotts

I secretly loved his math class

And

If you ever find daddy

Tell him I love him too

And I forgive him for leaving

Just do me one thing

Please forgive me for the mess I made


I drop the pen

And close my eyes

I feel very weak

All traces of the pain

They are gone

The blood,

It’s comforting

I know it’s better this way

And I manage to smile,

Just a little

Before I was taken away