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Trapped in Self
Tired
my hands
my head
my eyes
my arms
my legs
they are all tired
I am so tired
I feel heavy
My thoughts weigh down my head
My baggage weigh down my legs
My scars weigh down my back
Dragging me
I am trapped or lost
in myself
Trapped in my lies
Lost in my thoughts
Trapped in my smiles
Lost in my expectations
I am trapped and suffocating
in me
I yearn for freedom
I try to fight
a way out of me
I've tried for so long
fought for so long
I'm tired
I wish I could stop
but only I can beat my self
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This article has 1 comment.
this is very good. especially the premise, i have written some things on the same idea as well. to improve it i suggest making it flow better, less nouns, more actions and a little punctuation then to clarify. for example the last stanza could become:
I am trapped and suffocating
in me
yearning for freedom;
trying to fight
a way out of me.
been trying for so long
fought for so long
I'm wishing I could stop
but only I can beat myself
this was a little extreme, you could just try changing a line or two in each stanza or such. i did notice alot of it was stalysitc and to create a tone and feeling ect, which was great, but then at other parts you have to break out of that to prove that it was purposeful and show what a great writer you are, and to lend more emphasis to the stark quality you put inthe beginning to tell a story. a difficult but important distinction.
however, it is a very good peice, on an important and large topic. write some mroe about this, i have found it to be a strong basis for many very different poems.