I saw him.
I swear I saw him.
I saw his happy gleam.
I saw the hair he constantly pushes out of his eyes.
I saw the hands, the fingers that are always tapping to the beat of music only he can hear.
I heard the shuffle of his feet, in his beat-up pair of Doc Martins.
I saw the skinny jeans he refuses to throw away,
The Ramones' t-shirt he wears when nothing else is clean.
I saw the abnormal dent in his nose,
the chin that juts out just slightly.
I saw the fuzz he had forgotten to shave off that morning.
But his eyes.
The thing I remember the most are his eyes.
The intense blue that I can feel caress my soul when he looks at me.
I remember the comfort, the safety I felt whenever his eyes caught mine.
The crooked smile he gave me, that told me he loved me too.
I swear to god I saw him.
Driving downtown in his beat up Buick with the collection of bumper stickers we bought together.
I saw him walk through the park on the leash of Zeus,
The German Shepard puppy we found by the side of a road on a rainy day.
I remember.
I remember his room.
The only thing of value was the laptop I bought him last year.
A mattress on the floor with two pillows and the multi-colored quilt his grandma knit him.
The torn posters on his wall, overtop the splatters of paint from one of our nocturnal projects.
I remember the way he looked when asleep.
His face so peaceful,
His breath slowly coming in and out.
The slow beating of his heart was my lullaby,
His every inhale was my cue to exhale.
I remember.
I remember the car crash.
The sudden arrival of a moment frozen in my mind.
A subtle change in the workings of traffic,
That caused the end of our sticker collection.
I remember the sound of metal on metal,
A clash that left my ears ringing.
And then nothing.
Silence.
I saw his arm with a bone sticking out at an odd angle.
I saw the steering wheel smashed against his imperfect face.
I saw his eyes.
The lifeless look he gave the floor.
The intensity of blue turned black and white.
Noise.
I heard screaming.
I heard the sound of a thousand sirens screeching their way into my mind.
I heard the fire before I saw it.
The crackling of flames working their way from the engine towards us.
I felt the heat on the back of my neck,
felt the sudden grasp of callused hands pulling me out of the car and away from him.
Away from the licking of flames.
Away from the screams.
The feeling of cement against bare legs.
The slow motion sensation of being completely helpless.
I remember.
I remember the trail of tears I never realized were mine.
The frightened cry that escaped my chapped lips.
Eyes closed.
I remember the darkness that overcame my senses,
The emptiness that intruded upon my being.
The dreamless sleep.
The endless nights filled with shattered cries.
I felt the tears, but they seemed unreal.
I saw the sorrowful looks,
But they were meant for someone else,

Not me.
He was still there with me.
He was alive.
Those images were a lie.
A morbid trick played by mind in a cruel attempt to cope.
I saw him.
I saw the man with his nose.
I saw the boy that stole his crooked smile.

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