After Goodbye

I press the button
To end the call,
And feel emotions
Rise to the surface.

A drop of saltwater
Slides down my face.
No.
I shake my head.
I will not cry.
It does not hurt.

I throw my phone
At the wall.
Better to feel anger,
Than to hurt.

I punch my bookcase
Hard enough
To make my knuckles bleed.
Better to feel pain,
Than to hurt.

I collapse onto my bed,
And stare at the ceiling,
Searching for the oblivion
That comes with sleep.
Better not to feel.

And yet I still
Want to fell
The sting of pain
Every time he speaks,
If it means
I get to love, as well.

I retrieve my phone,
And press send.
‘I love you.’