Sunflowers are nice in theory
Personally, I’ve never liked them because
They seem a lot less flower and a lot more weed
And a lot less petal and a lot more seed
And there’s a lot more sunshine associated than actually perceived but

If you’ve ever had a friend die,
Then you know how important what they loved becomes

And Katie loved sunflowers
She loved a lot
In fact I was the first one to nickname her Kate
Cause in the seventh grade, Kaitlin wanted a new slate
And it just seemed so much cooler

And she was my Asian sister from another mister
Meaning she was my baby sister
Because she was the only friend I was older than

And Christmas was always extra special in her house
Because both her and her older brother were born on Christmas Eve
And at some point,
We decided we should leave high school
And start our own fashion line
But not before getting banquet dates for the first time
Stealing popularity, partners in crime

But after a while,
The plans stopped because Katie stopped coming to school
For a week
For a month
For a year

And I never visited her in the hospital
Because my prayers visited
And vested her chest with a bulletproof, cancerless rest
That would protect her
Even from her dreams

And I never visited
Because we all knew she was coming back
So we cut her some slack
And made wrist bands that said
“the power of prayer, keep strong Kaitlin Pham”

And Katie loved sunflowers
So twenty-four days after her fifteenth birthday
When I walked into the chapel
They were everywhere,
On the table
On the mantel
And even in the programs

And I wore mirror aviators
To mirror the emotion of those around me
Because my thoughts laid in a place
Too dark for reflection
Reflecting upon her mother repeating
“I should not be burying my baby
I should not be burying my baby
I should not be burying my baby”

Imaging,
My class graduating and her parents receiving an empty diploma
Her brother always celebrating his birthday alone-a
Family of four now standing on three legs
A home now a house never seeing an end to its days

After the funeral,
I walked home alone,
Allowing my mind to roam,
Until I walked into my bathroam
And looked in the mirror and accused you.

Because you should’ve done something
You should’ve visited
You should have called
You said you were her friend
You prayed too little
You hoped too little
And you didn’t trust God enough

I collapsed
In a heap on my sink
And I cried out
“God!
It could’ve been me!”
Cause I would’ve taken the bullet for her if I could
But how could I
When the bullet was her blood
And the fragments were her bone marrow
And the gun was being dissolved inside of her body
How could I pick up the casings?!

“God,
if you kill me now,
could I take her place?”
And I paced,
My mind raced
So my thoughts sprinted
Until I came face to face with that mirror image
And I heard God whisper
“Look in your eyes”

Unfocused,
Bloodshot,
Dilated,
I saw something I’ve never seen before,
See the top part of my iris is green
And the bottom part is grey
But for the first time,
I saw an amber ring encircling my pupil
That shot out like fire at every angle
And it
Looked
A
Lot
Like
A
Sunflower.

Two sunflowers,
Staring back at me.

And maybe I only imaged it
But Katie loved sunflowers.