I have this habit.
This weird, weird habit.
You see, I rock when I talk,
I rock back and forth.
My mother would tell me that I looked psychotic when I did it,
But it seems I can’t stop,

You used to remind me all the time when I was rocking,
You’d place your hand on my knee to steady me,
Your eyes would grow wide like the craters on the moon,
Like you were embarrassed,
That when I sat next to you,
I’d get so nervous,
That I physically couldn’t control myself.
You’d get so anxious,
You know you’d look around,
Eyes darting,
To see if anyone was watching.
You’d steady me with one hand,
And shove my lungs down my throat with the other.

You know,
When we were together,
You’d keep an arm around my waist,
My head leaned against your chest,
You’d whisper love songs into my hair,
You’d speak in stardust,
And blink the gold into your eyes.
You would call out the angels,
Into the clouds,
And gather up the waves
With your voice.
I almost drowned in your depth.
I was pulled under by the wind of your words.
Your smile lit up the dark alley ways we walked in the night,
And kept the fire in my soul alive.
Your presence brought upon hurricanes,
And I would shake, tremble,
Along with the Earth underneath my soles.
I was rocking, rocking, rocking,
Slightly next to you,
You’d just tighten your grip.
And maybe I over romanticized your being,
And maybe I was infatuated,
Things get blurry as time slaves on.

I don’t know why you kept your arm around my waist,
I thought at first maybe it was more of a ‘hey look what I got’ thing,
But now maybe,
I was thinking,
It was for you to control me.
It was like a leash,
A leash,
To keep me close.
You know I used to hold my breath,
So our hearts would beat at the same time.
I would memorize the length of your strides,
So we could walk next to each other,
Neither of us struggling to keep up.
Yeah, I’ll admit you were not who I pretended you to be,
But you were the best thing in my life,
You swept me off my feet,
A giant tsunami,
You went way over my head,
You curled me into a ball,
And kept me locked inside your palms.
You etched your name onto every thing I ever loved,
And became the pulse under my skin.
You crept silently into my bones
And carved into my spine,
Breaking my back,
So I had to lean against you for support,
Because without you,
I’d snap in half.
You stitched together the two halves of my broken heart,
With the same needle you broke it with.
You kept me in the attic,
Of your mind,
Reaching out for me only when you got bored in the living room,
You kept me chained in the basement of your soul,
The key was braided into your words,
And had been bent into submission.

No, no , that wasn’t  love,
Love isn’t slavery,
Love is freedom.
You kept your arm around my waist,
Because you knew I was as wild as the wind,
And any light handedness could send me drifting away,

You kept your arm around my waist,
To keep my soul from breaking free from the body you chained me to,
And finding another love along the blistered stains of my hands.
You kept your arm around my waist,
As if to know that even if I was free in my head,
I could never escape your empty claws,
And cold stare.
You kept your arms around my waist,
To pour your burdens onto me,
To relieve your insecurities,
To place upon your hate and judgment,
To retrieve more life from me,
To suck out any remote feeling from my head,
Out through my fingertips,
And let them disperse into your skeleton skin.
I was the only thing that was alive,
The only thing that had a beating heart,
And flushing cheeks.
I was the only thing that didn’t
Nod my head when you talked,
Because I was aware of all the complete lies you would say,
I was the only thing that opened my mouth,
To let my words fly across your cheeks like daggers,
When you got out of line.
My love was blind, but it was not blind enough,
To not notice the long claw marks drilled into my back,
Or the name that has been branded on my collarbone.

You said my rocking was a bad habit,
But it was the only way I got you to loosen your grip.