Inevitably, someone found their way into my heart,
As but a few have done in my past.
And with each passing one never caring,
The protective shields form stronger around my heart;
The walls building higher to protect it.
I have no choice about this:
My past makes me this way,
Creating a consuming and painful defence mechanism,
That lessens my caring with each new hurt.
My feeling that I am incapable of loving
Just increases as I feel the empty hurt of loneliness;
As my heart's defences grow harsher to keep love out.
I don't know if I was ever able to love someone,
But I know that with each rare pain,
I am slowly turned into a heartless, worthless creature.
When each person is fully protected against causing pain,
I forget about what I had felt,
Until it happens again.
Then the pain of every happy and sad memory floods me,
And I visualize what my life would be like with the person,
Until I almost believe my fantasy is real.
Not long after, I find that I remain alone,
As the person likes someone more interesting or pretty.
I don't understand why I can't be loved;
What I did to never be cared for.
Was it something that I did?
Is it how I act?
Is it the way I look?
Is it my past repeating itself?
Am I not good enough?
Unloved, forgotten, lonely, rejected:
The pain is overwhelming and heart-shattering;
My soul becomes empty and worthless without love.
Cold and bitterness will replace this feeling soon enough,
Yet I want to feel hurt more,
Because at least that means I actually feel something.
I also want protection,
But the only protection I can give me
Can't protect from my worst fear:
Me.
I long to be held,
To have every fear and worry removed by real protection,
As I feel cared for.
And in the middle of the seemingly hopelessness,
Hope can yet be found:
There must be hope when I feel hurt by someone,
Because, rarely or not,
Someone occasionally finds a crack in my walls;
A flaw in my traps and locks.
Looking back in history at all the greatest empires and strength,
It was all created my mankind, and we are not perfect,
Thus, we cannot create a perfect defence.
Every empire and great civilization has and will come to an end,
As nothing is eternal.
And if nothing can last forever,
Then neither can my walls of hate and pain.
There will be love.