I always wanted a man to look me in the eyes
and tell me he saw the universe.
In my gaze he would see
a boundless
bursting galaxy
Of laughter
and light
and mystery.
I wanted him to tell me
in my sweat, scars and frizzy hair
that I embodied the Forever
with the strength of gravity
but a touch so gentle
that I left his head floating into emptiness

I always wanted a man to look me in the eyes
And say
I was a supernova
so electric on the lips
that his veins jolted into light years
and his heart would forget how to breathe
and we’d soar into the
endless vacuum of each other’s arms
falling into both
nowhere
and everywhere at once

I wanted him to admire me
like the only flower in a field
like a lone eagle slicing the fabric of the sky
I wanted him to see me as the entire, endless ocean
but the best little drop of water he’s ever tasted
I wanted him to look at me with his
eyes closed
And still say
I was infinite

But in waiting for someone
to articulate my worth
in something longer than a
flirty text on Friday
I would look in the mirror
with fear decorating my eyes in black paint
And circle my flaws
like red penned errors on a test
A test
that clearly
I was failing.

I waited and waited
like a poor kid on Christmas
for him to reassure me
that I was not a mistake

But recently
I had a radical realization
that MAYBE,
I’m not a paper
waiting for a grade.
I’m not a product to taste-test
to judge and weigh
I don’t need his recognition
to know that I...
I am both soaring eagle and playful flower
both wondrous ocean and naked droplet
I am magnetic like gravity
but impossible to ground
I am a spontaneous
SCREAMING burst of
Big Bang
sound waves
vibrating your veins
like howling trains
with only everything as my domain
yet
I am also the sweet song of falling stars

so once I can look into my own eyes
and see the universe
THEN maybe
I’ll invite him to see it too.