I am not shy.

I talk.

But.

I constantly fear the perception of others,

how their views look upon me.

That every move I make, will be judged.

The feeling that others are noticing my every

movement, critiquing my every thought.

My brain plans ahead every second

for ways to not make myself look like a fool.

And if that does happen where I find myself trapped

in embarrassment, a feeling that I can not escape rises.

The feeling that I am losing control.

The struggle of separating imagination from reality

as you picture the worst.

A voice inside that is holding me back.

Slowly, I break down.

Mentally.

Physically.

Because of the fear of rejection, disapproval.

I may seem confident but I’m trembling on the inside.

I build a protective wall around myself to keep away

the things that have the potential to hurt me.

But they don’t.

They can’t.

But I let them.

I sit, analyzes, and ruminate about what I may

have said, what tone I said it in, how I was perceived.

Everyday.

A routine of anxiety and racing thoughts.

I shut myself out, I close the curtains so that people can’t

look through the glass.

I am told to “just do it,” go out there and not give a damn.

But I can’t.

“Get over it.”

I can’t.

“It doesn't matter.”

I know, but it does.

“You’re overthinking it.”
I know.

This, is an illness.

An illness that prevents me from having a normal life.

An illness that nobody seems to understand.

How to cure it.

How to get it the hell away from me.