Book 2, Bella

Heartbroken

There was nothing for me anymore. I didn’t care about anyone, anything. I longed to run, run fast and swift away from life, away from the world, to die in peace without heartbreaking memories of him.

Him.

I longed, stared, lived for him. I’d do anything. If only, I ask myself.

If only I could have made him stay. I believed in happy endings, fairy tales, and princes.

I believed in love. I believed in him.
I believed.
But now, I am lost. Lost in a dense forest of twisting, ugly snarls, branches, terrors, loneliness, fate.

I am left to fate. Fate of the world is set upon my delicate shoulders.
I stare at the clouds with amused wonders. How they can be free, to flit and float all they want. When they cry, they make everyone cry. Clouds are selfish, they can make the world break apart in tears, they can send people to their deaths and they don’t care.
I watch from afar at my family, my friends, my life. As if I’m seeing through a glass picture frame. I am the outsider, looking into a world of happiness and beauty.

I am a faceless stranger roaming the worlds that have never been discovered, alone. By myself, in heartbroken misery.

In shame, despair, loneliness. Ashamed of past, my present, my future.

I long to change my deadly sins. To remake the time over again, to sew new thread onto a bolt of white cloth. To start my life over again.

I would be the lone thread, snaking its way into the heart of the blank cloth.

My cloth is now a black, dark, shapeless color. My thread, now, is also darker ebony.

Lines, pages, novels, are written on my cloth, filling up all the miniscule spaces. The pictures of horrific scenes etched permanently into the fabric.

The silk slips through everyone’s fingers, like melted butter.

They stay away from me, the lonesome mystery. They reach out and call for me, trying to help and care. I push them away, biting my flesh.

Slowly one by one they fall away and don’t care. I have gotten my wish, my final wish. I am happy, free now that I am gone. I would do anything for him. Move the tallest mountain, dowse the sun, set fire to the ocean.
Those are impossible tasks but I will do them until night turns to day, until moonlight turns black, until the sun is gone forever.
I will sacrifice myself to the almighty Gods and pray for their help. I will beg on my knees sundown to sunup if that is what it takes. I would die in place of him, if that is what it takes. But, I can’t. I can’t accomplish those tasks. I imagine him beside me and I quickly dry my eyes. I can’t do anything to make myself anymore better than I already am. I am a shadow. A flitting, wishing, broken shadow. When he is gone, a bit of my soul will be gone with him. I will become the earth the day he perishes.
A month.
Two months.
Three months.


Not even Jacob could mend me. This was the second time. He said he wouldn’t ever leave me…hurt me…

I promise that this will be the last time you’ll see me. I won’t come back. I won’t put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I’d never existed…

As if I’d never existed.

Suddenly I got up off the earth, wiping my jeans of dirt. “I have to go home. I’m sorry. I have to go…check something…”

“Bells! Wait! What? You wanna go home? You just said that you didn’t wanna go home.” Jacob’s dark eyes searched mine while his voice turned soft. “Bells. He’s not going to be there…he’s-”

“No, it’s not that…I just need to see if-see if…” I couldn’t finish. I heard no pursuit behind me. Good. I couldn’t be with Jacob right now. Not after…not after… I couldn’t even think about it. Not after Carlisle took the baby out. Not after they moved down to Alaska. Not after…

I stumbled home, almost tripping on a few roots. I flung a short hello to Charlie and stomped upstairs. I hastily searched my desk for my scrapbook I had finished two years ago. The year of Edward’s break-up with me. His first. I flipped through the pages, passing all of Jacob’s photos and Angela’s, Ben’s, Mike’s, Tyler’s…

My breathing became louder. No, no, no! He took them all out? How? Why? Why didn’t he leave some part of him behind? How could he? All because of…

His pictures were gone, leaving black spaces where his beautiful face should have been. Leaving a dark, empty space in my heart that will never be healed. Not even Jacob could heal me.

I fell on my bed, not bothering to get up.

How could this have happened? He could have told me! We could have compromised or something…

Then I remembered Jacob. He and Edward went outside…and Jacob got hurt. I remembered bits and pieces from before. They had a fight…Jacob came back and he was…he was bleeding! Oh, poor Jake…they must have had a…Jacob, Edward. Slowly, bit by bit, it was coming together. Jacob must have set it up. He and Edward must have planned it!

Suddenly, I was fuming at Jacob. What did that stupid mutt say to him? He must have gotten angry and said something that would make Edward…
I jumped off the bed and ran down the stairs.
“Bells? Where’re you going? It’s almost dinner!” Charlie called form the living room.
Ah, I forgot about Charlie.
“Dad, sorry. I’ll order pizza or something. I just gotta go see Jacob. It’s really important.”
There was a long silence. “’Kay Bells.” His tone was smug, like he thought we were going out or something. “Hurry back!”


Another Lifetime

I stopped my truck outside of his house. It was getting dark; shadows flitted everywhere. The familiar rumble of my truck must have alerted Billy, for he came outside, nudging his wheelchair.
“Ah, Bella! What brings you here during Charlie’s feeding hour?” His tone was pleasant, conversational.
“I need to see Jacob.” Billy picked up on my tone immediately and I heard the creak of his wheelchair as he stiffened. He kept his tone light, tighter though.
“Don’t tell me he did something to you, Bella!” He barked a laugh. “That kid gets himself into everything.”
“Yup.” I shifted my weight, my impatience probably obvious on my face. “So…is he home? Or is he…” I involuntarily looked towards the woods.
“He’ll be home soon. Why don’t you take a seat inside?” He said after he noticed my slight shiver.
Billy wheeled his wheelchair up the little homemade ramp and into the living room. “Soda? Water?” Billy wheeled to the fridge, pulling out a soda for himself.
I swallowed. “Um, water’s fine. Thanks.” He took out a bottle of water and tossed it to me. I tried to catch it but it slipped out of my hands. My face turned red with embarrassment.
“Sorry.” I mumbled.
Suddenly I heard the unmistakable howls of Jacob and his wolf pack. The howls quickly turned into human voices and I caught my name in the conversation. I turned my face down, studying the fading couch.
“Woah! Look what the Jacob-magnet attracted today! The chick that runs with vampires!” Jared said loudly as usual, coming inside and hopping next to me on the couch.

Embry came in next, yawning loudly. “Scoot over Jared! You’re squashing Bella. As if she wasn’t small enough.” Embry threw Jared off the couch with a single agile stroke.

“Hey!” Jared punched Embry, producing blood. “D***it!” Embry shouted and the two started to wrestle on the ground. I couldn’t help but laugh. They felt like my brothers. Brothers I never had.

Sam came in, tugging Emily from behind him. He smothered her in sweet kisses and tears formed in my eyes. It reminded me so much of Edward…how he would do that. How much those small kisses meant.

I quickly dried my tears. The last thing I wanted was for fifteen wolves to see my cry. I was suddenly overcome by how homey this place felt. It felt like…a family. The big family that I never had.

All my visions and sense of family vanished when Jacob walked into the room accompanied by Seth, a young wolf I had met last year and a scowling dark-haired girl.

Jacob got a girlfriend? Since about three hours ago?

“Bella! You’re here!” He bounded towards me and lifted me up in a warm hug. I blushed and fought the urge to smile. I couldn’t. I inhaled his wonderful woodsy scent and hugged him back, despite my feelings before.

“Jake, everyone’s, um, looking.” I whispered into his ear.
“Oh right.” He whispered back, completely unruffled. Almost…proud?
“Ooh, Jake’s got a girlfriend!” Jared wolf-whistled. Wolf-whistled. I smiled at the irony of it.
Embry and Paul joined in on the hooting and I blushed furiously. “Stop you guys! Seriously. Anyways,” I gestured to the still-scowling girl standing by the door. “Isn’t she Jacob’s girlfriend?”
It went silent. Every single head turned to the girl, then back at me. Suddenly they all burst into laughter and Jacob looked embarrassed. “Cut it out guys!”
I looked confused. “Um, anyone mind telling me what’s going on?” I laughed. Partly to keep the awkwardness away, and partly because of Jacob’s expression.
But, the wolves continued howling.
Finally, Embry spoke first. “Leah and Jake are made to hate each other. They are so not boyfriend girlfriend, Bella. Jake would rather die.”
“I’d rather die too.” Her voice matched her frowning face. She slammed the door after her, striding towards the woods. I ran after her.
“Hey! I’m sorry! Wait!” Leah ran faster. “Wait! Leah! I’m sorry! I didn’t know…” Leah stopped and turned around.
“Yeah. You didn’t know. I get that. I didn’t know that I had to go through this. I didn’t know that I would have to go through torture every day.” I tried to speak. “Don’t say anything. I have to go.” Leah took off running and phased just as the woods concealed her.

“Sorry, Leah’s like that. Always.” I jumped about a half-mile in the air. I forgot that werewolves didn’t make a sound.

I turned around to see who accompanied the voice that scared me. The tall and gangly teen was staring down at me, an apologetic expression settled across his face.

“Hey Seth! You’ve grown!” I hugged him. I’d always thought of Seth as a younger, more innocent version of Jacob. The happy little teen was always the brightest part of the pack. He was almost like my little brother.

“Bella…you’ve, um, grown too!” I smiled as Seth unsuccessfully complemented me.

“Leah’s my sister. Big sister. Just in case you forgot…”

“No, I didn’t forget. It’s just that I didn’t expect she would be a…wolf too.”

“Yeah. She’s the weirdo of us two.”

I remembered during the fight with the newborn vampires last year, that Leah was a wolf. But I didn’t expect…

Someone cleared his throat. I looked up at Seth, expecting him to say something. He turned and then I noticed Jacob. My happy mood evaporated. I remembered what I was here for.

“Oh…Jacob.” I frowned and looked pointedly at Seth.

Seth got it after about a minute of awkward silence.

“Oh! I’m…uh, sorta hungry! I’m gonna go back and…uh, empty Billy’s fridge…yeah…” Seth backed away giving Jacob a glance, not meant for me to see.

I glared at Jacob after Seth left.

“Jacob. I want you to tell me the truth.”

He was suddenly wary and he crossed his arms. “Just say it Bella.”

“Did you and…” I took a breath. “Did you and Edward make a…compromise?”