Did that just happen, did I just tried to kiss him yesterday and he simply said , you are my pal…Or is it a dream, I hope it is a dream, a nightmare, but unfortunately it is not a dream. this happened and I accepted it , we continued the movie , and laughed when we had to laugh and cried when we had to.
I don’t know if I had forgotten about my feelings toward him, about the emotions that I had, the promises I made to myself, that one day I'll tell him and if he says no, I'll leave and never come back. But I cant do that, it'll be as if I lost a body part, he is the best person in my life and I am not going to say friend. but if he wants us to be that way, and still has a hard time accepting me as someone closer than a friend, then I'll wait. I'll wait till he realizes , I am not just a friend.
I went out of bed , into the bathroom washed my face, brush my teeth , wore something casual but nice, he had just invited me to lunch, my supposedly best friend / more. Today I wont try hard to be more than a friend , I tried that yesterday and it failed, well I am going to try a new technique. I am going to be just a friend no more staring ,or admiring everything he says, or even agreeing with him when I think he is saying something wrong, today I am going to show him what just friends mean, let him want more…
Ring ring… the bell rang, it was him , I didn’t rush as usual , I didn’t even care if he had to wait a while, it took me five minutes to realize it was about time to go down, so I went out of my room and went down the stairs, to see him waiting. And as I reached he smiled approached me and gave me a kiss by the cheek , and said "hello, you look good, lets go". Today, today you compliment me about my outfit, the day I didn’t even bother to look at the mirror before I leave the room uhh.
We started walking, suddenly his hand fell into mine , and I had a rush , a rush of electricity, he felt it, he felt how I feel about him when he touches Me. when his skin touches mine, even though I try so hard to hide my feelings I cant, I am in love with him, I know it, he knows it but he doesn’t admit it.
He took my hand and we crossed the street, we crossed it as friends but I know that if someone sees us he will think we are not just friends, well that brought a smile to my face. When we crossed the street , he didn’t remove his hand , he kept on holding tight, did he finally realize that he loves me , or did he just forget his hand in mine.
Well I guess none, he said "your hands are warm, I am so cold", my hands are warm because you are so close to me, because I am blushing you fool I wanted to tell him but instead I simply smiled. Smiled , that's what I am good at, smiling, and right now I am smiling….
We reached the diner, he said "I know it is early for lunch, but it doesn’t matter right", I was lost in his eyes at this moment, I didn’t hear what he said so I smiled, and I think he took that as a yes.
We entered the diner, and he had already booked a table we directly went there, it was the first time I entered this place, maybe it is new. I guess not it is just matt never went there, so I never went there, how shallow.
"so what do you think about the place", he asked me, I looked at him, not smiling this time and said "its good", suddenly someone entered to the diner I turned to look , to show him I'll no longer sit through out lunch gazing through his eyes. it was jasper, jasper from biology, he saw me looking at him, so he walked toward the table. I smiled at him, he said "hello, it is lori right?", I smiled back and said "yes it is, so what are you doing here alone, care to join". he said "no , I wont want to interrupt you guys", I smiled and said "no, this is nothing, it is just a friends talk, common have a seat, right matt'" I looked at him, he said yes and didn’t seem bothered by it. jasper sat next to me and we started talking, it seemed that his father owned the place, and he ended up inviting us for lunch not my beloved matt.
The next day:
I met jasper in biology, he came and sat next to me , matt was late today , so when he entered class, he saw jasper next to me , he said good morning, and went and sat in the back. He didn’t seem a little bit jealous, or anxious, or I don’t know what, but he had no feelings toward this.
When the day was over matt and I were going home, suddenly jasper came and said "Lori I don’t know how to say that, but would like us to go and have dinner on Saturday, you and me". I couldn’t say yes, and stay in love with matt, but if I say no he'll think I am not over him and he'll think I am still totally into him which I was. but I had to make him jealous somehow so I said "it'll be my pleasure". Jasper was so glad, he was so happy jumping from joy.
We continued walking home and when I was about to enter my house matt said "Lori, are you really going to go on that date with him", I smiled and said "well yeah, do you mind?". he said "no not at all, I am so glad you find someone"
I struggled to keep my smile, and when I entered the house and went to my room, I burst in tears, I thought he'd be jealous, he'd have some kind of weird feeling but instead he is smiling and saying that he is glad. Now I have to go on that date with jasper, pretending to like him when actually I don’t, and I know I wont get any result from matt. Not a single feeling of jealousy…
That’s matt, I think I'll never get into his heart, never as more than a friend…