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Snowy Bliss
Running through the woods, I laugh as I stumble over rocks, trip over fallen branches, and slip on unseen ice. Finally I find the clearing, the place we always go to. Gasping for breath, I stumble to the middle of the clearing and use my gloved hand to brush off the powdery snow on a large rock and seat myself at its peak.
“Where are you?” I hear him call from somewhere to my left.
“Here!” I answerr, still giggling and trying to catch my breath.
Soon he appears out of the dense foliage. Twigs entangled in his hair and an amused smile playing about his lips. Silently he strides over and sits down next to me. Almost instantly, a shiver passes down my spine. I know it isn’t from the cold, so I hastily disguise it by rubbing my hands furiously up and down my arms. Without a word, he takes off his own woolen coat and drapes it around my shoulders. I smile at him gratefully, though the extra layer does nothing to calm my nerves.
Anxious to draw attention away from myself, I begin pointing out various things. Doesn’t that mound of snow look exactly like a sleeping dog? How perfect is the light shining through those icicles?
“Look!” I whisper in amazement, for a bright red cardinal had just perched itself atop a branch directly in front of us. “Isn’t he beautiful? I wonder what he’s doing here, though, in the dead of winter.” I turn to him for an answer and see that he hasn’t so much as glanced at the mysterious bird, but is looking straight at me. I look away and draw his coat tighter around me. Quietly he stands up, not wishing to disturb the moment, and bows.
“May I have this dance?” His voice is barely audible.
I blush furiously, thankful for the frigid temperatures that have already turned my nose into a ripe cherry, and my cheeks into two rosy apples.
“Why of course you may,” I say with mock etiquette and gracefully reach for his outstretched arm.
Immediately he sweeps me into a slow waltz. As my head comes to rest on his shoulder and his arms grasp about my waist, I close my eyes, feeling only his tender touch and hearing nothing but the soft crunch of our feet in the snow and an occasional bird’s song. We stand there, leisurely turning in the white arena when suddenly I feel an icy sensation on the nape of my neck. I gasp and break the seemingly impenetrable spell surrounding us.
“What is it?” he asks pulling out of our embrace.
I look up and snowflakes begin to pile up on my eyelashes and adorn my hair like little jewels from heaven.
“It’s snowing,” I say as I think of how absolutely flawless this moment is. I look back at him. His eyes are twinkling. Hands still around my waist, he gently twirls us both around and brings me closer to him. Forehead resting on top of mine and one hand entangled in my hair, he asks, “May I have this kiss?”
I smile and look into his deep, dark eyes. Eyes so deep you feel if you look into them for too long, you might lose yourself and never come back out again. With my heart pounding and spirits soaring, shakily I breathe, “Of course you may.”
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This article has 29 comments.
Hi so these are just opinons!
first sentence--too long to be properly captivating, pick one description. either stumbling over rocks or fallen branches...just one.
(note) if you say stumble over rocks, dont use it again in the next sentence, it becomes very obvious as a first time reader, something you may not notice on your own.
i really like how realistic she sounds when nervous, especiallly the lines --doesn't that mound of snow...those icicles?--
when you went straight to the dance it was a bit random. try to make the transition smoother by either having them stare at each other for a moment before she looks away. have her blush or have them stay quite for a bit, maybe have her take a couple of quick glances to see if he is still staring or something. i really think the blush should be before he asks, not after, after, she should just be pleased. happy.
i thin kyou use common verbs alot, so try to use different descriptions. it might sound longer, but its better than using the same descriptive words.
>eyes so deep...i didn't like that sentence, it was too cliched and it was really choppy in that paragraph. i think you should get rid of it.
overall: this is one of the best short romantic stories i've read on this site. you capture the feelings and the background really well and your writing is fairly smooth, making it easy to read and be a part of the scene. things i would change would be: develop the guy more, he's very two dimmensional right now while your mc has a recognizable voice. you could make them contrasting, have the mc be a bit more nervous, him more calm. also add descriptions to what your characters look like. i love that it was short and sweet.